WWF Smackdown Results for November 13, 2003

Strangely, no brand swirl this week as the show kicks off with it’s opening theme and Michael Cole and Tazz welcome us to East Rutherford, New Jersey for this week’s broadcast. Two big matches are hyped for tonight: The Basham Brothers are set to defend their Tag Team Titles against Los Guerreros while WWE Champ Brock Lesnar and U.S. Champ Big Show are scheded to face off against Chris Benoit and a Mystery Opponent. Oooh! I love mystery opponents!

Soulpatch tells us that The Wolverine’s partner will be Kurt’s final pick for his 5-man Survivor Series Team. With Ron Simmons sidelined with an injury, Kurt has to find someone to fill his place. Sure the smart money’s on John Cena, but with Kurt already making room in his stable for Bradshaw, The Olympic Hero’s decision-making abilities are in question. Maybe he’ll figure Team Angle isn’t complete without a guy that can do the Stinkface.

Perhaps we’ll find out now, as the triumphant blast of horns marks Kurt Angle’s entrance into the arena. He’s followed by his opponent, Aussie criminal and certified head case Nathan Jones, who’s accompanied by his fellow Team Sasquatch member Matt Morgan. Referee Nick Patrick makes the first good call of his life and sends Morgan back to the locker room. Bell rings and the fighters lock up.

With the crowd heavily behind him, Angle goes for a quick pin, but no go. The Colossus of Boggo Road is huuuuuge, Tiny Elvis. Jones powers out of Angle’s top wristlock and then a side headlock. Our Olympic Hero manages to send Jones out of the ring, but the bigger man buys himself some time by throwing Angle into the barricade. Back on the mat, Angle hits Jones with a missile dropkick, but is soon winded by a massive powerbomb. Jones uses the opportunity to twist the top of Kurt’s head like a ketchup bottle.

Jones then lifts Kurt up over his head, but the Captain of Team Angle rolls out and hits the monster with not one, not two, but three German Suplexes. The finish – such as it is – comes as Angle hits Jones with an Angle Slam before cinching in the Ankle Lock. It’s all over but the tapping until Matt Morgan returns, storming into the ring to drop a boot in Angle’s kisser. A follow-up headbutt finalizes the deal as Patrick calls for the DQ. Kurt’s saved from the beatdown by an older, bare-chested gent in blue jeans wielding a steal chair. Holy Cappotelli! It’s Hardcore Holly! Holly goes nutso with the chair and quickly clears the ring as the crowd chants his name. Really, they did! Hardcore grabs the mic and calls out the man who broke his neck – Brock Lesnar – as we go to commercial.
We’re back and Spark Plug is marching around backstage looking for Brock. General Manager Paul Heyman – flanked by Security – finds him and reminds Hardcore that he’s not cleared to wrestle until Sunday. Heyman says that if Holly attacks Brock and ruins the pay-per-view he’ll be suspended. Holly wanders off to find a shirt.

In his office, WWE Chairman of the Board Vince McMahon is rubbing his temples while Sable flips through the new WWE book Unscripted showing Vince pictures of his puppies (presumably genuine, actual dogs.) Oh, btw - overt product placement is The Smackdown Theme Of The Night. Vince loses his cool when Sable stumbles upon a gallery of photos featuring The Undertaker. Vinnie Mac explains that while he knows in his soul he’s protected by a higher power, he’s been haunted by a terrible nightmare. He proceeds to describe the dream in excruciating detail, but I’ll wrap it up real quick for ya: Vince is dead and buried but his brain is still alive. Maggots eat his eyeballs, etc and then – despite being dead – he somehow eats the maggots. Then he craps out the maggots, then he has to lay there in the box with the crap, then the maggots eat the crap. Really.

Vince then tells Sable that after waking from the dream he realized he had “soiled himself” in the bed. Why is he telling Sable this? For the first year of my relationship I wouldn’t even fart around my girlfriend. Anyhoo, Vince says he doesn’t know what this means. I know what it means. It means he’s incontinent. It means he’s now become SO EVIL he can no longer control his bowels. A whole new threat looms over Undertaker Sunday.

Back from the break and we’re reminded of Tajiri spraying Nidia with the Black Mist a few weeks ago, blinding her and almost guaranteeing larger boobs upon her return.

Still looking for revenge, Nidia’s boyfriend Jamie Noble enters the arena sporting a black armband – the closest thing Crash Holly will get to a tribute tonight. Cole and Tazz tell us that Paul Heyman has decreed there will be no interference during Noble’s Cruiserweight Championship match with Tajiri this Sunday. Shouldn’t that just be a standard rule anyway? Tajiri enters with his two cool Japanese Mafia buddies who immediately attack Noble. Tajiri takes the mic and begins ranting incoherently in Japanese as his cronies work over the redneck. The Buzzsaw is all set to dust him off with an executioners kick when Rey Mysterio Jr. runs into the ring to make the save. Mysterio and Noble clear out the Japanese dudes as we go to commercial.

Coming out of the break and an impromptu match is already in progress with Noble and Mysterio teaming up to take on Tajiri’s Japanese buddies – who now have names! Ladies and Gentlemen behold: Akio and Sakada.

Akio dominates Noble. Rey tags in and jumps into the fray with a spinning leg lariat and we’re off to some terrific fast action. Mysterio nails Akio with a flying drop kick off the top rope. Akio then manages to take Rey out and hand over the match to Sakada who gets Rey up on the ropes for a triangle choke. Akio nails a drop kick as the pair isolate Rey in their corner and Akio cinches a nasty choke. I’m so not doing this match any justice, but I’m stuck using words – these guys were awesome.

Rey hits Akio with a tilt-a-whirl inverted DDT and Noble comes in off the hot tag and cleans house. He scores a 2-count but the pin is broken up by Sakada. Finish comes as Rey hits Akio with a senton, then a 619, but when he goes to Drop The Dime, he’s pulled off the apron by Sakada. Jamie hits a powerbomb on Akio, but The Japanese Buzzsaw returns just in time to hoof Jamie-San in the back of the head and hold his legs down helping Akio get the cheap win. Just a fantastic match. Akio-Sakada: It means no worries.

Back in the locker room and Eddie and Chavo take part in tonight’s Smackdown Theme by reading UnScripted. Chavo emphasizes to Eddie how important it is that they win the belts back. At that point a robot pretending to be a New Jersey State Trooper enters and tells Eddie that his wife’s sister Connie has been in a car accident. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it seems Kane was driving the car! The Robot Trooper says there’s a car waiting outside to take Eddie to the airport. Wow, they do this for you in New Jersey? Anyhoo, Eddie leaves and Chavo goes looking for Heyman so he can reschedule their match.

Back from the break and Chavo finds Paul E. Dangerously backstage and chatting away on a 976-party line. Paul shows a rare bit of class and tells Chavo “Here at Smackdown, family comes first” and postpones the Tag Team Title match until Sunday. The Bashams show up and shock the world by displaying a familiarity with the English language. That is to say, they finally talk. They tease and provoke little Chavito until he agrees to a handicap match TONIGHT!

Back at the announce booth and you don’t need me to tell you that Michael Cole and Tazz are thoroughly enjoying their flip through UnScripted the fat new picture book you can buy on Shopzone. Tazz actually has Shopzone pulled up on his laptop to give us all an idea of what a website looks like.

A spooky promo with a three-weeks-late Halloween-vibe featuring The Undertaker airs next with The Dead Man strolling around a cemetery. He stands by an open grave and talks about all the other souls he’s brought here. Holy sh*t – you mean Taker’s actually killed people? Coooool. Anyhow, Taker goes on and on talking about Sara and brutality and Bret Hart and the future of Vince’s soul and all that good stuff. He ends by saying that when he buries Vince he’s going to leave his head sticking out so that he has time to realize he’s going to suffocate and think about all the things he’s done wrong over the years. Yeah, that oughta learn him!

Back from the break and Shaniqua – in white this week – is whacking The Basham Brothers in the ring as Chavo makes his way out. Bell rings and Chavo locks up with Doug. Or maybe Danny. Nope – still can’t tell ‘em apart. I get angry emails about this every week, but no, I just can’t do it. Chavo gets in some great arm drags into a hip toss then a drop kick. As Shaniqua takes a moment to re-energize her team with a little consensual whipping outside the ring, my buddy Ted explains his method for telling the Brothers apart: one apparently has a narrow head, while the other’s is round. Only now I can’t remember which is which, so that system is no help either.

Anyhoo, one Baldie breaks up Chavo’s Boston Crab on the other and the boys begin to double-team the littlest Guerrero. But Chavito is resilient and battles back, hitting a 360 front flip on Doug. Finish comes as Shaniqua distracts the ref, allowing Danny to switch places with Doug, who rolls up an unsuspecting Chavo for a quick and sleazy pin. As the devious Basham’s walk back up the ramp, Shaniqua boots Chavo in the back of the head and brings the boys back down to kill Chavo with a double Rock Bottom that Tazz calls by it’s proper Japanese name and that I won’t even begin to try to transcribe.

Backstage and The Most Annoying Man In Wrestling Josh Mathews begins a report from outside Kurt’s dressing room with “Well guys…” But here’s the kicker – he wasn’t talking to Cole and Tazz – he was talking to US, the home viewing audience. What kind of a reporter begins a report with “Well guys…” I miss the rest of the report because I’m yelling at Josh Matthews from my living room. And where is Funaki anyway?

Commercial break and John Cena raps for YJStinger. Still not gonna drink that crap. I can’t imagine what it does to your liver.

Backstage and Chavo is being treated for his wounds. The Bashams turn out to be watching on what must be some weird closed-circuit feed. They laugh as they thank their buddy the robot for impersonating a New Jersey State Trooper and fooling Eddie. Idiots. If they’d done this away from the camera, the Guerreros might never have found out!

A new promo for WWE Non-Televised-Live-Events airs, this one featuring sound bytes of fans talking about how at house shows you can almost touch the wrestlers. Creepy. One guy says “the action never stops, there’s no 7th inning stretch.” Well no, but there is a 15-minute intermission that lasts about 10 minutes longer than a stretch. I’m nitpicking, but c’mon, who writes this stuff?

Anyhow, speaking of boring breaks in the action perfect for going to get food, it’s time for Bradshaw vs. The A-Train. The “shave your back” chants start early as the big, slow men lock up and then punch each other. Then club each other. Somewhere in the back, Sean O’Haire, Spanky and Paul London are starting a book club.

A-Train dominates and there’s a pseudo-interesting moment as Tazz calls A-Train “The Big Train.” Hey, I’m starving for moments here, okay? Battle spills out of the ring, but returns just as quickly. Prince Albert hits a suplex, slams Justin to the turnbuckle and them head butts him before hitting the decapitator off the ropes. As though they are mocking us from the ring, the two men proceed to exchange sleeper holds. At one point Tazz attempts to sell Bradshaw’s high-intensity, but to me he just looked sluggish. Anyhow, finish comes with Bradshaw hitting A-Train with The Clothesline From Hell. Krista says Bradshaw makes her sleepy.

In the back, our Olympic Hero Kurt Angle is arguing with his team mate and occasional nemesis Chris “The Canadian Crippler” Benoit. The Wolverine is pissed with Kurt’s choice for the fifth member of Team Angle. Kurt says he doesn’t care. Says he hates Benoit and doesn’t trust him, but picked him for the team because he wants to win – just like the new guy: John “White Boy Rapping” Cena, who enters and promises to layeth the smacketh down on Team Sasquatch.

Wow, it seems like only yesterday Kurt was paying a midget to lead the crowd in a chant of “Cena – Weena.” How quickly things do change.

Back from the break and Vince looks like he’s having bowel trouble again. Sable knocks and brings in an old Priest named Father Frank who looks like an overgrown Keibler Elf. Vince begins talking to the Priest in his cool Devil Voice and asks the man of God to pray for him. Father Frank begins, but every time he gets going, Vince interrupts him – first to suggest they should get on their knees (like Nixon did with Kissinger) and then to insist that the Priest “pray harder.” Classic!

Halfway through the third or forth attempt at prayer, Vince starts laughing like a maniac and says the Priest should be praying for the Undertaker. It was here that I started praying Vince was going to take Father Frank out. A seriously blasphemous “hit him with The Book” chant starts in my living room. Instead, Vince puts his hands on Father Frank’s head and screams at him like a psycho. Have I mentioned how much I loved this? I may be going to hell, but I’m hitching a ride with Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

A Survivor Series promo airs, first touting the Raw matches, then the offerings from Smackdown. I think it’s a good card. I don’t love everything about it, but it does look like a good solid night of entertainment and that’s all I ask for dammit.

Another promo airs for Ernest “The Cat” Miller. This time, he’s cruising in his limo with Lamont, who’s clearly playing the Jerome to The Cat’s Morris Day. Funny, funny stuff – though my buddy Ted is dreading their arrival. Memo to Orlando Jordan: See if you can catch a ride next time.

“Word life! This is basic Thuganomics!” That’s right boyeee, it’s Cena time – John Cena that is. Now when I say “Cena” y’all say “Weena!”… on second though, let’s forget about that. Cena drops some dope rhymes, throwing out a mad shout to Wu-Tang Clan member and deodorant spokesman Method Man who’s sitting in the front row. Next out is the doctor’s partner Benoit, then Big Show, then finally, the Champ Brock Lesnar who does his awesome jump-up-to-the-ring-as-it-explodes-with-cool-pyro-thing.

As Michael Cole continues to harp on about the size of Team Sasquatch (at least he’s stopped talking about “all the beef that will be in the ring”) the match gets started with Cena squaring off against Lesnar. The Next Big Thing works him over for a bit before Cena can bring in Benoit who immediately impresses with a snap suplex. The big men manage to get him in the corner though and rough him up good. A bunch of knobs start chanting “Subway!” at Big Show, which Tazz figures is a reference to the subway chain’s promotion of that loser that lost weight by eating nothing but subs for a year.

Now first of all, I don’t buy that story and I never have. Second of all, Subway is a big corporate sponsor of WWE. Later on when the kids start chanting it again, they even got a close up. Now I don’t want to launch any conspiracy theories here, but what do you wanna bet those kids all received a handful of Subway coupons and a little CNN Producer-like encouragement to start that chant up. I mean, sure it’s in line with the Smackdown Theme Of The Night and all, but there’s gotta be a line somewhere and this just pissed me off.

Anyhow, back from our last commercial interruption of the evening and The Giant has Cena in an abdominal stretch. We learn that during the break Lesnar sent Benoit spine first into the steel steps. Lesnar tags in and nails Cena first with a German and then with a Fisherman’s Suplex – the move also known as the Perfect-Plex from it’s years of use by the late Curt Hennig. Benoit rallies and hits a suplex of his own before going upstairs. Big Show breaks up the count and gives Lesnar a bit of time to recuperate.

Show sits on Benoit’s chest a few times, but Cena breaks up the pin attempt. Brock then uses a rear naked choke on Benoit, which isn’t nearly as dirty as it sounds. Finish comes as The Rabid Wolverine hits a flying headbutt on Paul Wight, but Lesnar stops the count by almost literally flying across the ring into the Crippler. Benoit slaps a Crossface on the coconut noggin of The Pain and Cena thumps Big Show first in the gonads and then across the head with the steel chain to score the pin for the big victory.

Show ends with John Cena heading back up the ramp with a great big smile on his face. Somewhere in the back, a Fabulous Freebird is shaking his head.